dear daryll,


hmm.. well, last Thurs -- 230306. i went to sch. just to get the gifts frm Justin and KyouUn. haiz.. too bad that they didnt bring it. i wished Chenghao "HAPPY BDAY" hmm.. it was his bday too. nvm abt him. bck to herr. haiz.. i really dont knw what happened. she was PISSED when i confessed tt i went for band. i didnt meet him at all. i went there for a while and quickly acc my sis. its sad.. i cried so hard that my ripcage hurts real bad. well, she read my past entires. its obviously that she NEVER read the all the entries. haiz. i really wished she did. what is past, is past. hmm.. i also read her past entires long ago. and i never made a FUSS abt it. maybe i did.. i cant rmb. but, i learnt a lot abt her frm the entries.


Friday, July 29, 2005

i have been feeling so lonely these two days. when will all this sorrow ends? how i wish i could really turn back the time. everything was fine a few days ago.

[270705] she was mad at me coz i kept quiet on the way home. that was the day i was told to inform rinna and sheila about band resuming the day after for the upcoming performance. in msn, i apologised and she told me to express wats in my heart. and so i did. but i ended up making her more fed up. she offlined because she needed to go desperately.

[280705] she was cold to me on the phone. she sounded as if she doesnt want to talk to me on the phone. she said she's tired.

[290705] today, i didnt know why i flared up during recess. i went to her class and asked her if she's going for band after sch. ans is yes. she said she wasnt angry nor sad with me. she smiled. then, her expression changed again. she said she wanted to be alone. at that moment, my eyes was already on the verge on tears. i was loss for words and left her class. so, i just pack up my bag and go. it seems like she cant bring herself to forgive me. and she has given up on me. i just dun understand. why cant she just perish the thought at the fact that whatever she does will hurt me?! yea. even i am an imperfect human being that will hurt others too.

[010705] okay. i admit that i cannot forget the most fcuking day yes. i can never forget it. it was the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me. come to think again. anyone who is in my place, which person wouldnt be angry and upset?

[170305] ever since she get to know the band montfort guys it makes our situation worse. she hangs out with those band freaks but how stupid of me. i tot it would be normal for this to happen after any band exchange. but sometimes, things have gone too far. all this shit happens for 5 months. and supposingly, this is our last year together that we should treasure most. if they didnt meet, all this wouldnt had happened.

[150705] her band SYF. they got Gold. i supported the band members. thats the day where she just left me for them. but i kept quiet and let her go. haiz.

now, she keep thinking that i always thought she's one of them. please. now that im willing and trying to forget, just forget it. all this while, i have been trying to save our sister-ship. dun tell me all this will go down the drain? i will never want it to happen. but now, she is saying that she's emotionless. but does this means that she shouldnt care about other's feelings? yea. maybe i can never understand her. even though i find her different from others, i dunno why i care for her so much and even made her my godsis. i treasured her most. i dunno why im feeling so lack of love now. family and friend's love especially. they were taken away from me. do you know.. it hurts when the people who is your own treats you like a stranger. and a stranger whom you treat like your own brings you pain. most of the time, i find myself stupid. why didnt i bear hatred towards her even though she has hurt me a lot of times? why do i keep seeking care and concern from her when i know that i will never get it? why? have i really wasted my love on her? all this while, i have always longed to spend more time with her studying etc. i only got pissed off whenever i hear the word "band" bcoz it reminds me of all this shit. im not finding her fault. instead, i still regard her as my godsis. but why must this happen to me? haiz.. i just hope she will forgive me for everything i have done..


Monday, August 01, 2005

another fcuking day? towards the end of recess, sheila wanted to talk to me ans asked me to tell her about my probs. um. i denied everything she said. why was she so concern about me?

then, after sch, me and rinna went home together. as usual, got band members around us again. last time, i tot rinna said she's not going to the Genting Highlands, but now, she is going to Bangkok! haiz. im not really surprised though. and rinna doesnt seem like it to go home with me. i can feel it. its obvious through her expression. haiz. when i ask. she will say that "it makes no difference.." im so stupid. why am i always clinging on to her? ikin.. you are just like a beggar.. begging for her love when you know you will never get it.

in class, i heard atiqah and the rest of my malay friends talking about me. aah. atiqah spread rumours about whats happening in tuition place. i was really wondering how she would get to know. thanks to aslinda! hahh. it was unexpected. haiz. i din wanna layan hazimah just now. later at night, i felt guilty. so i gave her a call. when i was talking to her, tears suddenly start to roll down my cheeks. i dunno why. i felt like i was being cheated of my feelings by rinna and hazimah. just now, rinna showed me a fake smile while hazimah sat beside me in tuition place just to make me happy.

as for aslinda, we just met for the second time and this happened. why the heck do you have to go round telling my friends about what happened. geez. i dun feel like meeting her anymore. bcoz of her, me and hazimah.. haiz. im the only child. so what?! does it mean im a total spoilt brat? if you dunno anything, just shut up and mind your own business. i have enough probs for my own. im very sensetive these few days. maybe i could never smile anymore. so just leave me alone!!

oh yahh. to kakak ega.. happy birthday!


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

im listening to the korean song now. gosh. tmr got social studies test. haiz. i felt like i have given up my combined humanities. um. in malay class, we had a kuiz. my group won larr. hahh. my friends keep calling me "cikgu syikin". eee.. yucks man! after sch, i had my poa remedial until 3.15pm. rinna told me to wait for her at 3.30pm. in the end, she came out at 4.10pm. i bought her ice lemon tea knowing she would be thirsty after a long day. yea. erm. hazimah and me seems to have a prob now. the 3rd prob in our 10 years of friendship. we hardly had misunderstandings. haiz. hopefully our prob will be solved soon. i cant afford to lose a best friend like her. one of her sms is so touching..

'have a rest.. whatever you think it is.. i take ada niat nak mainkan your feeling.. never cross my mind.. never.. i want you to know that.. dun think too much.. sleep and hope you can tenangkan your mind.. charlene and aslinda or whoever close to me.. tak setanding as you.. you are the best from the best.. remember that im not lying..'

forgive me hazimah. its not your fault. i have probs and its affecting me a lot. maybe thats why i got angry. remember.. your friendship means a lot to me. you will always be my best friend no matter what happens


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

im feeling so moody today. i dunno why. during recess, i went to rinna's class and read her eng letter writing. got this name -titifany kwa- doesnt it sounds familiar? her keychain. title of the malay novel. the dog keychain. why is she so into love? i wanna know.

yesterday, i made zubaidah upset. today, sheila. well it seems like im really a heartbreaker. they dislike each other because of me! aah. i hate my secondary sch life. during the assembly, i saw his face on stage. sucks man. friends categories: band freaks, attention seekers, friends who goes for popularity, those who are vain, friends who are lovesick and weirdos. which category do you belong to?

i could still remember the warmth of love from miss lim and my pri sch frenz. the time they were always there when i needed them most. in fact, they were always by my side. even now, no matter how far we are apart. still, i live with those memories. in my sec sch life, i have learnt the meaning of hatred and loneliness always surrounded me. thats the thing which i feared most but it seems like im already used to it. i felt hurt all the time. even at the slightest thing. it hurts so much when someone who is your own turns you into a stranger.

rinna. why must she care about what other people might sat if she wanted to show her sisterly love to me? to be honest, thats what i have been craving for all this while. i laughed at myself "ikin.. you are a beggar.. begging for love when you know that you will never get it.." i felt foolish. i was stupid. im never good enough for you. i heart you.


Friday, August 05, 2005

fri is always so fun. coz got no malay lesson. hahh. geez. you know what? each time i go for my d&t lessons, i will always injure myself. probably im careless. or the frequent thing that always happens which is dust getting into my eyes.

um. a few mins ago, siti msg me whether i wanna go play badminton with her at 8am tmr. i guess i will still be in bed. hahh. next time larr. erm my sec sch friends also asked me if i wanna follow them go watch the fireworks on the 9 aug. haiz. im anticipating to watch it.. maybe i should try asking my parents first. but i dun think they will allow me to go. when is the last time i saw the fireworks? hmm. i think in pri 5. haiz. dunno larr. it seems like im scared to ask them because it may end up in a disappointment.

anyway, syasya gave me an invitation card for the national day observance ceremony at teck ghee CC. should i go? saw my sch's name on the card. urgh. looks like im not that supportive of my own sch. coz my sense of belonging and rootedness belongs to teck ghee pri sch! tgps rox! but miss lim wont be coming there. haiz. [btw, her birthday is on 14 aug!]

zubaidah's birthday is coming. what should i get for her? i asked her once. she said maybe roxy, make-ups, perfumes, clothes? wah.. will cost a bomb. fat hope! haha. just kidding.

oh yahh. there is one thing special that always happen to me. each time i watch my fav chinese show at 7pm, i always saw a bright twinkling star outside my window. so i always grab the chance to make a lot of wishes. well hope it will come true. wanna know what my wishes are?

1) to pass 'o' levels with flying colours
2) watch the fireworks with friends at esplanade on 9 aug
3) to get a distinction for malay 'o' levels. [haiz. sad case.]
4) hope my sister-ship with rinna will always remain strong as ever
5) wishing rinna wont go to thailand at the end of the year for band. [another fat hope. when is her REAL last band performance? maybe there's no ending. haiz.]
6) to get out of cbss fast [worst sch ever. i cant take it anymore]
7) wont see ******* anymore in tuition place. [she's the main cause] & montfort guys.
8) hoping sheila will stop liking me. [i hate the way she look and smile at me]
9) to reach my target of folding 888 paper hearts [it will take me years to get it done. hahh.]

its a lot right?

um. malay 'o' level results are said to be released next fri. i dun think i can sleep well the day before. haiz. im feeling like im in a dillemma. i know i cant get a distinction but i dun wanna retake. how?! stress. ok lar.. i wanna listen to the radio now. um. or watch the korean show.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

today i was out from 10+am to 10+pm. long huh? i spend the whole morning and afternoon at tuition place. um. i feel sad for mr ahmad [my tuition teacher] i almost felt like crying when i heard the story about his broken family. haiz. um. then went to the nearest coffeeshop with hazimah to eat lunch together. after that, we both talked about hazimah's love life. she said she has let him go. hmm. yea. i dunno larr. hazimah said i have a similarity with one of her friends, lavina. coz we both are not those type of ppl who are into guys. so, she often feel irritated and frustrated when the other talks about the guy they admire. like me. hahh. yup. love is never part of my vocabulary.

after tuition around 6pm, we left the tuition place and i called rinna to ask her if she's interested in joining us to watch the firworks tonight. but she was asleep. before that, we went to junction 8 first to buy a present for zubaidah. it was really a tough time choosing for her a present. spend around 45 mins. we were really rushing coz the firworks was at 8pm. my father came to pick us up from there and we head straight to tanjong ruhr. um. it was really a beautiful sight. and i felt a lot satisfied coz my mum dun let me watch the fireworks on 9 aug. now i dun care about that anymore. haha.

after watching the fireworks, we go to bedok food market. wow. it was really crowded. my parents ordered quite a sum of dishes. nice.. yummy! we reached home around 10pm. yea. quite a tiring day. tmr nenek is leaving for malaysia.


Monday, August 08, 2005

i just came from sch. got learning carnival. do the wax thingy and go for the inter-disciplinary trail. um. it was okay. after all of us are dismissed.. rinna. band members. as usual. well. she seems to know what im thinking. im tired. like what she say "once a band member, always a band member". since thats her theory, i have no comments. okay then. what more can i say?

tmr they got a band performace at teck ghee cc. rinna asked whether im going. wats the ans? yes? no? i dunno. i have mixed emotions running in me. so many qns - what IFs? haiz. sometimes, i felt really stupid. foolish. "ikin.. you are a beggar.. begging for love when you know that you will never get it..".

these few days, i realised that im quiet and find myself so difficult to smile. maybe the smile could never return like before. most of the time, i felt bad for treating my friends like strangers. im sorry. i encountered it before. esp when someone of your own treated you like a stranger. OR a stranger who treated you like your own. and turn you back into a stranger again. it will hurt, right? thats exactly how i feel but no one seems to care.

anyway, my mum is back. later i have to accompany her to general hospital.


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

today is singapore 40th birthday! um. i went to teck ghee cc this morn. came a bit late with my friends. i saw my sch band, npcc cadets and cheerleaders. well. i dunno why i was afraid to face rinna and talk to her. but i really felt bad about it. and after a few minutes, i realised that a montfort guy was standing behind me. i also saw panneerselvam there. i dunno. i find the celebration this year a bit boring. including the national day show. except for the marching parade. hahh.

suddenly, zulaishah came up to me and said hi. then, kelvin shouted "zulaishah, be careful! she has got her own gang". yea. so what if i do? you got a prob is it?

before i left the teck ghee cc, i did wave goodbye at rinna. after i step out of that place, i wasnt really myself. my friends asked me to join them and play badminton. they persuaded me so i have no other choice. i felt quite distracted. one hour later, i called zulaishah to tell rinna if she wants to see me, she can go to my house bus stop. i was there till 12pm. the wind was blowing hard and it started raining heavily. till that time, i lost hope and went home.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

im feeling so bored. um. finally packed all my worksheets into the subject files. my house is so quiet and peaceful now. syasya and nenek has gone to geylang with mummy. abang and atuk go to coffeeshop at yishun. left me at home. hahh.

just now sheila msg me after quite some time. um. she said she dreamt of me 3 times coz she miss me too much. she told me that her soul went into my classroom and sat beside siti. then siti wanted to exchange seats with me. but i didnt want to sit beside her until zulaishah joined the row together with us. haha. weird. oh god. what can i do to make her stop liking me?

during my file packing, i flipped through my malay file. i was reluctant to open it actually. i looked at my past exam papers. some marks were so scary like a D7?! again, i drown into deep thoughts about wats gonna happen to me on the day i receive my malay 'o' level results. omg. im so scared and worried. haiz. wats is done cannot be undone.

aah. im so lazy to go tuition later at 5pm. coz i miss yesterday's. oh yahh. today is sherril's birthday!


Thursday, August 11, 2005

um. my hand still hurts. stupid me. my prob with rinna is solved. it ended with an apology and a hug. a hug- sumthing which i needed most from her. erm. im still loving her as my sister larr. no matter what happens. aah!! my malay 'O' levels result is coming out tmr! oh man. im very scared now. how?! nazarina [she confirm get distinction] msg me "syikin.. be prepared for tmr MT 'O' level results.." OH GOD. HELP ME.


Friday, August 12, 2005

believe it or not.. i got a C5 for my malay. im totally disappointed. no mood to continue typing the blog. end here.


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

im feeling so stressed up. getting a C5 for malay was a big blow to me. cikgu asked us about it again. um. after sch, i was deciding whether to go home with rinna or atiqah and others. but rinna told me to go home first bcoz she got phototaking. then, aqilah asked me to study with her at the sch library. so i thought rinna could just meet me there after she is done. a few mins later, i went around looking for her. but she was already gone.. haiz.

i felt quite uncomfortable studying with aqilah. um. dunno why. maybe bcoz huiling was there. hahh. the library was damn noisy. hard to concentrate. aah. feeling fed up, we left. on the way home, i saw him. that montfort guy. that godbro of hers. i was like *wat the fcuk*. i dunno why i felt agitated and irritated. reminds me of the fcuking day which is fcuking hard to forget. bcoz of them, i was fcukingly left out. bcoz of the fcuking prob caused by ME and him, she gave herself countless fcuking cuts. and on the same night, i got fcuked up due to those fcuking words said by her. it was fcuking hurtful. AAAAAAAAHH!!!! sorry for those fcuking words. im just being emotional. coz i have been hurt many times over and over again.

remember my wishes? some were already crushed into pieces.
1) dreaming of getting a distinction for malay? i got a C5. [pathetic rite?]
2) watching the fireworks at esplanade [parents said it will be too crowded. come on. this excuse doesnt make sense.]
3) hoping rinna wun go to thailand for band exchange prog [its just a DREAM for me. it will NEVER come true.]

everything hopeless...


Thursday, August 18, 2005

my hands are shivering rite now. im so disappointed with her. lies. somehow, i still trusted her after all the things she did. and still thinks of her. love her. treats her as my sis. but how long is she going to continue lying to me? im feeling very weak now. i might just cry anytime. i was patient. i thought she would change. i felt like giving up. when she talks about band, i was calm and quiet. i tolerated. i dun hate her. i never wanted to. but why must she keep doing this to me? my parents already neglected me at home. i thought i still have her to turn to. but. i guess i had lost her. really. im hurting inside. its so painful..


Saturday, August 20, 2005

i cried yesterday night. i dunno why. just felt like crying. keep thinking of rinna. after sch, i stayed back in the d&t workshop for 6 hours. today, sheila suddenly came for tuition. haiz. after tuition, she still called my hp. asked me non-important qns. to be honest, i really didnt wanna talk to her. haiz.


Monday, August 22, 2005

my goal: to leave CBSS happily ever after.

im feeling very tired and sleepy now. had my maths paper 1 and eng paper 1 today. including PE. btw rinna taught me maths. um. guess i had used up all my energy and memory card in my brain is already full. i saw them on my way home. haiz. them again. haiz. at that time, my mind was really distracted until i didnt even realise the bubble tea shop was open. rinna's expression on the face started to change too. [100x haiz]

i think im having a slight fever again. aah. bcoz of my ulcer. and i stupidly give cuts on my hand. quite painful. blood. urgh. rite now, i really dunno what im thinking. a lot of things on my mind. aah! stop thinking! must concentrate on my studies!

i dun wan anymore communication breakdown. no more misunderstandings.

new wishes:
1) taking 'o' levels without 5A in the hall. [totally impossible, rite?]
2) NEVER to see 'them' again. [its beyond my control. just blame my ill luck]
3) i wanna live with my mama & papa. [just dream on..]
4) the old rinna [imstilllovingheralotasmysister]
5) hoping her not going to thailand for band exchange. [still clinging on to this fat hope. im too weak to stop her]
6) passing 'O' levels with flying colours [anticipating..]
7) being my REAL self.

God, if you could help me fulfilled all these wishes.. i will be the most happiest girl in the world..

now. whatever it is. i have to accept whats going on around me. let me smile externally and cry internally.


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

im listening to the radio now. um. i wanna hear the "dirty little secret" song. well. for three days straight, i keep seeing that group of people. haiz. and rinna keep wanting to buy bubble tea also. but she didnt want to coz i.. haiz. im feeling guilty again.

at the hall before my MT common test, i walked past kelvin and i smiled at him. then he showed me his #&!?! face. so dun blame me saying that im unfriendly. um. i really dun like to do my exams at the hall bcoz so much distractions. the two guys are just sitting right in front of each other. 5A. yea. i can gurantee that he and joakim is sure gonna dance for teacher's day. aah! on that day, im gonna pretend nothing is happening. watch me. rinna seems to like dogs a lot now. and chinese songs. weird? but whats there to be paranoid about? she is an animal lover and chinese influenced. am i thinking too much?

im gonna take my phy common test paper tmr. please let me concentrate. gosh. dun think anymore! treat it as a test from God. haiz. but i guess this test is worse is worse than my common test.. i just realised that i did stupid mistakes in my malay paper again. shit! how dumb can i be?


Thursday, August 25, 2005

im feeling so tired again. almost fell asleep in tuition class. i went to plaza singapura again bcoz i forgot to buy the wheels for my artefact. haiz. um. today. the councillor board. dun think! stop it! yea. i have no comments.

btw hazimah is sick. um. she asked me about the teachers day thingy whether to go back to tgps. actually i really dunno. miss lim. haiz. she is the only teacher which i always think of. haiz.


Friday, August 26, 2005

this morn, during breakfast, syasya threw her temper at her mum. guess what she did? she jeling at her mum and threw the nugget across the table. haiz. so daring. i dunno larr. who cares.

um. i wonder how many times i sneezed today. i spent 6 hours at d&t workshop. maybe i breath in too much dust? hahh. anyway, im gonna be done with my artefact soon. tmr im going to sch again for d&t. gonna spend my time at the workshop from 9am-12pm. coz the deadline is on 2 Sep. haiz. omg. still got folio. die larr.

anyway, i think i did very badly for my common test. esp my comb science. it was a last min study. aah! why do i always feel very sleepy in class these few days? hmm. i like to think of unnecessary stuffs. have to stop all this thingy! if only i could. hahh.

oh man. my aunty came to my house. and zubaidah just msg me. okay larr. have to do intensive d&t. folio. wish me luck! HOPEFULLY can finish arr.


Saturday, August 27, 2005

today, i went to the d&t workshop. with the hope of finishing the whole artefact. but didnt. haiz. its really tiring. during the hammering, i hit my finger thrice. haiz. even though they extended the hours, i went home early. i was feeling very tired. um. i dunno. i didnt have the mood to talk to anyone either. in the end, aqilah wanted to go home with me. things were the opposite now. she has started critising me more. haiz. no comments.

now, my chest really hurts. headache. no. im not having any illness! no. im fine. haiz. everything was my fault. when i felt that im not loved by my parents, i tried to seek love from rinna instead. im wrong. im selfish. im sorry. i really didnt mean to hurt you.

the DJ got my sms!! yeah! i send 11 sms you know. and i didnt get to hear it. haiz.


Sunday, August 28, 2005

today. i didnt go to madrasah coz got haflah [majlis penyampaian hadiah]. um. only yanti went. coz she got 3rd position in last year's madrasah exam. she got $50 as the prize. haiz. so good. i got into the 5th position in class and yet, fail. a damn lousy class. hahh. nevermind. im a fiasco.

anyway, most of my cousins came today. aah. so noisy. i became a bit anti-social though. locked myself up in another room to do my work. um. ever since zubaidah got a hp, she keeps msging me "what are you doing?" and "where are you?" everyday. hear the radio the whole day today. i heard one of my fav songs "bad day". haiz. dun have "dirty little secrets".

yesterday nite, i felt much happier after chatting with rinna. my eyes started to became watery. tears of joy. dunno why. for once, i started to feel the old rinna's presence. well. i missed her. how i wish i could tell her that all the words that she said was what i have been longing to hear from her all this while..


Monday, August 29, 2005

im feeling sleepy now. very tired. um. but can i let go my anger here first? why must they perform?! fcuk. i dun wanna see them dance. neither do i wanna hear him sing! green day songs. my chest hurts more when i hear the singings. aargh! really. i.. aah! fcuk! im sorry. i have to do this. some things just leave a big scar at the back of my mind which could never be erased. haiz. let me make this clear. im not blaming anyone. its just me. i just wanna make myself feel better. please let me off from all this nonsense and torturing. dun make me break down anymore. i just wanna be happy. GOD. YOU MUST HELP ME. give me the strength to carry on..

i got a B3 for my malay paper. actually, im still not satisfied with my marks. have to work harder. including my other subjects. haiz. i wanna concentrate hard on studies and leave this bloody school.

um. just now rinna cried. well i couldnt bear seeing tears in her eyes larr. haiz. when she hugged me, i felt loved. and i was really thankful for that. though im still waiting for the return of the old rinna. still searching hard for her.. i loewe you sis.


Tuesday, August 30, 2005

i really had a bad day today.

i got a scolding from my mum early in the morn before i went to sch. i was feeling damn frustrated. during morn assembly, got prize giving presentation. the teacher repeated his name thrice on the mike. and his gang. at that point of time, my blood was really boiling.

during poa lessons, i took a look at the remedial schedule. i have 2 remedials on 7 and 8 sep for maths. in one of these remedials, kelvin is in the same class as me. count myself unlucky. aah! who cares anyway.

then, i was holding the class photos. huiling wanted to liquid yu lin's face on the outside plastic cover. i told her not to but she just snatch it away from me. at that time, i was sitting beside zulaishah in class so she obviously knows what was going on. i tried to scrape away the liquid but it is hard to wipe it off totally. unfortunately, zulaishah go and tell yu lin about it. yu lin became angry and confront huiling. so they had a quarrel. haiz. thank goodness everything is fine now.

after sch, i went back to class to meet seng jie about the class photo money. saw rinna with her cheery face. i asked seng jie whether the amaths paper was easy. i thought if it was, maybe rinna was happy that she could do it. i was feeling glad too. but. when i was in the d&t room, zulaishah told me that rinna was up in the band room. i was like. erm. no wonder. well i have no comments.

on the way home, i heard weiwen's voice near McDonalds. i have guessed right that the monfort guys will sure be there too. the ppl whom i always see everywhere. haiz. i dunno. im too tired to care.

um. i just came back from tuition. idah pissed me off. does she thinks she is the only one in dilemma? well. ans is no. you think im leading a happy life? the only prob she has is love relationship probs. its always love and guys. nothing else. do they mean the world to you?! to be frank, im really sick of all this stupid love matters. it brings so many probs. yes. i never felt love ever since it was taken away from me since young. why cant you just appreciate your parent's love instead? do you know how lucky you are? fcuk. she really made me so bloody pissed off. in the end, she threw her temper and shouted at my tuition teacher.

to summarise everything, today is really a fcuking day for me. not yet fri. it might be worse. wish me good luck.


Wednesday, August 31, 2005

we had ACES day workout in the morn. well. saw him directly in front of my class. wahliaoz. i was like. can you please just fcuk off from my sight for once? really. sux man. aargh!

bad news. doc says my nenek has a heart prob and has a high risk of getting stroke. haiz. my mum still cant walk around much. her internal wound is not really recovered yet. my atuk has diabetes and eye prob. um. what is gonna happen to me if anything untowards happens to them? well. my family has never loved me.

i went to hougang pri with my pri sch friends to look for miss lim. but. she teaches the morning session and has already gone home. i dunno. i had a mixture of feelings. sad. disappointed. um. i miss her.

you know what? thinking of all this stuffs really makes me feel like crying. my chest is hurting terribly now. its very painful..


Friday, September 02, 2005

i hurt rinna again. im wrong. selfish. im truly sorry for what i have said in my nick. i didnt mean to hurt her. it was my fault. i should have spared a thought for her feelings. knowing that she would be upset if im upset too. im sorry. i know she is angry with me. please. forgive me. im heartless. she grabbed my hand and sent me home. yet i hurt her again. um. my chest is hurting. very painful. actually, i still love her a lot. i can NEVER let her go. no. i cant. she has already became a part of me and without her, my life would be incomplete. i never told her this before. all i wanna do is to apologise to her. um. i cant cry too much. my chest hurts again. im really very sorry rinna.. forgive me.


Saturday, September 03, 2005

she wants to be alone. she left me.
i deserve it.


Sunday, September 04, 2005

she could sense that im thinking of her. she hates it. no matter how hard i forced myself not to think. i just cant. she dun wanna hear my apologies. she wants to shut herself up on me. i deserve it. im really hating myself now. chest hurts again.
that day, mama and papa came to my house with the proposal of wanting to ask me out for a holiday on my birthday. my mum rejected it. she didnt even tell me about it. she kept me in the dark. ibu. im trying to love you. i have always respected you. but why do you keep doing this to me? why..


i did a BIG MISTAKE yesterday.


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

i really feel like banging my head against the wall. im trying my best not to think. its a torture. i just cant. she still can sense wat im feeling. haiz. i miss her. anyway i had been sick these few days.

i already did a BIG MISTAKE. and this mistake could lead me to a slow death.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

for the past few days, i had been very quiet. um. i did some soul-searching. i had made up my mind. i wanna be my old self again. i wanna revive the old asyikin who was once dead. i hate the 'new' me. i smoked. [um. just a puff. its a BIG STUPID MISTAKE! i promised NEVER to do it again.] all i did was to hurt others. selfish. miser. sadist. i hated my family to bits and pieces. im so full of hatred towards everyone. but now..

im gonna change! well. the old asyikin is back. im not gonna look back at my past and repeat the same mistakes. i will move on. im trying to love this life. yea. life is too short for hatred. i will try to love my family too. same goes to mama and papa. my heart and soul will always be with both of you. i will pray for the whole family. if fate allows, we will meet again.

as for hazimah. im not angry with you. just disappointed. i hope you wun smoke anymore. just because the guy whom you liked said you looked decent. doesnt mean that you have to prove to him that you are not by smoking. well. its a stupid thing to do. i realised that. does that guy means everything to you? is love was your main priority? think again. why go round seeking for love and ended up being heartbroken when God had already created a life partner for each of us. we just had to wait for the right one. its not worth to hurt yourself over a guy.

rinna. all this while. for two years. so many misunderstandings happened between us. communication breakdown. yet we still hold on tight to each other. that shows how strong our sisterly bond is. i understand its tough. im sorry. i never meant to hurt you. if you didnt like someone.. all this wouldnt had happened. its not your fault. so i hope you will stop blaming yourself. i dun wanna see you cut yourself or trying to kill yourself anymore. it hurts me seeing you in that state. but if you think im hopeless and could never bring any good to you, your nick was right yesterday. you can always ask for a hug and share the pain with your band friends and juniors. but remember. i still love you as my sis. your happiness lies in mine. i promised myself never to let you go.

THE OLD ASYIKIN IS BACK! =)


Friday, September 09, 2005

happy birthday to ME! haha. im 16 yrs old today. who wanna watch NC16 movie with me?! haha. just kidding. yesterday. my father bought me a present. a necklace. i was shocked for a moment. of course larr. so expensive.

i recieved sms of birthday wishes from..

NAZARINA [6.22pm]- hepi bdae!

FAJRIENA [4.35pm]- happy birthday! may this year be filled with best wishes always. sori couldnt buy you a present or anithing. i hope a wish will do. hahaz.

RAFIDAH [3.46pm]- ok. i know this so late. i shld have sms you this morn but i woke up at 12 and i had to clean the house. i shld have sms you at midnight so that i'll be the first person to sms you but i was asleep. somewhere in the middle position, wishing you a happy birthday =) see? i remembered. i aint that forgetful. may your wishes come true my twinee. oh. think of me all the time ok.. because i will and i am. haha. happy birthday girl! love, me..

YANTI [3.08pm]-hapi bdae!

SHIDAH [11.45am]- here's wishing you happy birthday!! at last you're 16. hehe. smile always and may your wishes come true. insyallah. hehex.

MUMMY [9.56am]- happy birthday to you. now you are 16 so you cannot sleep with ibu and ayah anymore ok? [gosh.. this is embarrassing]

AQILAH [9.10am]- hApI BirThdAy ChiCkEn..

SHEILA [8.02am]- hapy bday! wish i cud see you today. see you tmr then. quick! tell me your wish!

NASYITAH [12.14am]- happy birthday.. luck for your 'O's.. aite.

FENG YAOAN [12.05am]- this time really happy birthday to you!! good luck and take care! study hard and miss me hor.

not forgetting.. testimonials! from rinna. rafidah. weiwen. thanks.

oh yahh. this morn i was kinda upset. um. coz im stuck at home on my birthday. tot it was gonna be a boring day for me. sec frenz and pri sch frenz asked me out. but i dunno whom to go with. so in the end i rejected both parties. yea. guess what happened. i went downstairs for awhile. when i went upstairs and opened the door. i saw both my secondary and primary sch friends together held a surprise birthday party for me at my house. hahh. combined forces. i was really so touched. totally had a big shock. they made me a card and bought a birthday cake for me. and pizzas.

million thanks to hazimah. idah. aslinda. nurliyana. siti. aqilah. atiqah. shidah. zulaishah.

-THANX- you guyz really made it a memorable day for me. im thankful for that.

hazimah and idah. i know both of you are the organisers. erm. but. i still cant follow you to that pub at orchard. aiyah. i really dun wish to disappoint all of you. haiz. please think twice before going there.. okay? =)


Saturday, September 10, 2005

um. yesterday. got nosebleed and a blue-black on my hand. i wonder if its my fault for rejecting them. idah and hazimah really changed. haiz. love. guys. relationships. thats the main topics of conversation for both of them. i swear. nothing else. haiz. does all these means the whole world to them?

anyway. guess what happened during tuition? my tuition friends splashed me with buckets with water from all directions. i was really drenched and wet. they fooled me. but again, i was happy they remembered my birthday. i had to change my clothes. so my tuition teacher lent me his wife's punjabi outfit. haha. thank goodness it fits me. green colour.

when i reach home. i got another present from my auntie whom im shy with. hardly talk to her lerr. she gave me a necklace. rinna changed the sisters blog. wow. it was really nice.

updates on my fav songs :

Be My Escape
Bad Day
Dirtly Little Secrets
Break You
I'll Be Okay
You and Me
Don't Lie


Sunday, September 11, 2005

its 1am now. im still awake doing my d&t folio. um. i dun understand. suddenly im feeling uncomfortable. mentally disturbed. my heart. i could sense a feel of pain inside me. why? aah. get rid of this feeling. i just wanna be happy. leave me alone! please. im not gonna let the new asyikin take my old self away. im fighting for myself now..


Monday, September 12, 2005

its raining very heavily now. um. i slept at 4am yesterday due to my d&t folio. thank goodness everything is finished. hmm. im having a headache rite now. this morn, me and rinna almost came late. somehow we acted like strangers.

after sch, i went to hand in my d&t folio and do a bit of touch up. tot i could go home together with her after the holidays. but. rinna came over and said that she wants to go to the band room. and told me that she couldnt go home with me on fri coz of the band investiture. when she told me that, i saw a smile on her face. i smiled to her too. she was happy to go to the band room and i couldnt bear to destroy that happiness. but at the same time, i didnt wanna let her go. deep inside, i was feeling so hurt. next. after 'o' levels. she is gonna tell me that she is going to thailand for a band exchange prog. haiz. we could never spend much time together. why is it so difficult?

then, i quickly made my way to the study corner coz i really felt like crying. even though my eyes were tired and sleepy. it wanted to cry. i was alone that time. i was feeling so lost. i didnt know what to do. maybe that rinna i once knew was totally gone and would never come back. i was worried and afraid. i lost the battle. i failed. i couldnt manage to bring her back with me. i failed as her godsister. i failed. forgive me. i dun even know what she is thinking right now. im stupid. she wants a saberian husky. its just a dog. why did i get paranoid over such things? but why was my heart feeling uncomfortable? why?! im stupid. tell me im dumb. im useless.


130905

yesterday. rinna gave me a present. a bear and a test tube with 'sisters4ever' inside it. um. it was nice. other friends gave me presents too. thanks.

140905

geez. i dunno wats wrong with me. felt a bit sick this morn. i keep having frequent headaches. haiz. now the sch library is open till 8pm. revision. studies. im in a dilemma. its hard to concentrate at home or in sch. both have their own distractions. well. syasya keeps irritating me at home! my mum requested me to study in sch. just like how rinna suggested. rinna is gonna study in sch till 'O' levels. im still thinking. but i feel uncomfortable. i feel like im extra. with rinna and sheila. how?! should i? anyway, mr wong asked us to study in sch everyday starting from October. rite now, im hugging the bear she gave me. bear-bear, can you help me decide..?



what i learnt? hmm.. WE'RE ALL TO BLAME. its better to knw the both sides of the coin than only one of the sides. i learnt that no one is perfect and we make mistakes. its either we forgiven or not by the someone we hurt.

he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥