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20050723
19:07
hEy you. today woke up 6+. hmm. and came late for the amaths makeup class. hmm. 3omins late. walked with weiwen. acc her wait for amanda. hmm. amanda looked very sad. she din talk much. i wonder if it was me. haiz. i think its me. haiz. i din go to the tuition with asyikin. dunno. felt like walking. so, walked and walked. reached to the playground near the amk east park. and study there. 1+ till 4+. so fun. quite happy with myself. im able to understand the chps better. hmm. it reminds me of 25o4. hmm. haiz. dunno arh. asyikin called. i was at the place. dunno. i wanna be alone. i loved it. listened to music. hmm. btw, the amathz test.. i think im gonna fail. haiz. scored a zero for eng and now amathz. haiz. im useless. btw, when am i gonna give timmii the hearts? i dunno. up to him. i dunno. i dunno. i just wanna give the hearts. thats all. as friends only. haiz. you're beautiful. he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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20050722
22:48
hEy you.. hmm. today, nothingmuch. mettheengtecher. toldmettiwillgetaZEROfortheengpaper. haiz. idunnowhyidincare. haiz. well, playedtheflute. isuckbigtime. haiz. today, theresafullmoon. sobeautiful. itremindsmeofsomeonesbday. haiz. idunno. icant! imemotionlesseachtime. haiz. sohurtful. then, abtmysis. haiz. itsallmyfault. ishldnthvcutmyface. haiz. ishldnttakemysiswordseriously. haiz. imstillthinkingwhatthehellisaidtoher. thatveryday. 1stjuly2oo5. haiz. whycantitbelikethe finalfantasyVIIIorIX? he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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22:11
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Sunday, July 22, 2005 5:28:26 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com 220705 im so tired after the phototaking session just now. saw the band members marching with the npccs at the parade ground. haiz. saw their faces. aah. why sheila's hp doesnt remain spoil forever? wahliao. she keep msging me. idiot idah! go send her mms of my pic! [shit! she found out!] and its all so mushy. the last msg she send me is "sweet dreams. hope you dream of me" yucks! still got zubaidah.keep annoying me with the same qns everyday. um. why am i having a headache almost everyday? god, help me stop thinking of such things which i dun wanna think. but how? whenever i think of rinna, they will appear on my mind too. how i wish she wasnt with them in the first place. but what has done cannot be undone he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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20050720
01:02
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Sunday, July 17, 2005 5:28:26 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com 190705 rinna didn't come again. getting worried. friends keep asking me why she never come but i was like an idiot replying the same answer which is "i dunno". suddenly, archy said "asyikin, you better make sure rinna doesnt cut herself again". i had a guilty conscience. to zubaidah and sheila.. please stop bothering me anymore.. no matter how hard u try to talk sense into me, i cant.. i know im stupid. please dun make me more confused. i bear no hatred against her even though im hurt a lot of times did you know why i overdose myself? almost everynight, i had the same dream about rinna. the same words used in the phone conversation. and she jus left with them. the pain just wont go away he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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01:01
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Sunday, July 17, 2005 5:28:26 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com sorry. forgot to update you! too long 150705 during my three periods of eng lessons, i changed my seats and moved to another group. just to avoid weiwen and pei xuan. bcoz i know they would keep talking about band and the monfort boys. unfortunately, they also changed their seating position and sat beside me. sighs. so they start their chinese conversation which they thought i wouldnt be able to understand. i remained very quiet and keep telling myself to concentrate in class. but couldnt. they started mentioning names like ah'da, kelvin, her, didi. after saying timothy's name, they would turn at me and laugh non-stop. they tested my patience by doing that repeatedly. my hands were trembling that i almost feel like laying my hand on their faces. so what if rinna is with them? earn a gold for syf. so what? big deal ar? hahh. for a moment, i forgot they were my friends. all along i know them as heartless and selfish band freaks who only care about themselves. totally engrossed and mind corrupted with the monfort guys. well. it was sad knowing that rinna hangs out with them. each time i see them, my blood boils. they were the first ppl who blamed me for her cuts. anyway, it was my fault. and it reminds me of the most fcuking day ever [010705]. rinna went home with them. on the very same night, she scolded me with harsh words. i felt so bloody hurt. will rinna ever dare to same those same words to her other godsiblings? um. i dun think so. i almost couldnt recognise her in the phone conversation and felt as if she was already a part of them. but she's my sister. how could i hate her and forget our motto? the 3Fs. i dun wanna cry. i really want to forget. so.. after sch i went home straight. i purposely ate my medicines twice the amount. altogether 8 pills. painkillers. im overdose. it made me really drowsy. i didnt think of anything. i even forgot that i had LC in the afternoon. when i return to sch, i felt so sleepy but tried to act normal. im scared.. will rinna really leave me to be with them? he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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20050715
19:54
hEy you.. hmm. finally, icanbloglikeHELL! haha. okiae. everythingdoingfine. haiz. dontknowlahh. hadtheengprelimonMon. then, themalayOlvloral. hmm. wenttoMFSSwithsheila. andtookthewrongbus. well, itsmyfault. beforethat, gotscoldedbyCikgusiti. haiz. wasalmostlatefortheoral. thankGodwearent. haha. hmm. nothingmuch. imisstalktoamanda. well, ifeltlikewearestranges. hmm. nothingicando. haiz. he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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19:38
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Tuesday, July 12, 2005 5:45:37 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com *ikin's update 110705 i went to TTSH this morning for a minor operation. um. im kinda upset dat my mum couldnt accompany me there. i had to go to A&E under the emergency case. i had a big lump growing under my armpit that needs to be cut. well. i cried a little because i was scared. the doc said i cannot be put under anasthaetic because i was allergic to a type of antibiotic. before that, i had two blood tests. then, the doc brought me to the operation theatre. haiz. it was very painful esp the part when the nurse injected twice at my armpit. i had to hold the nurse's hand. hmm. it took around 1 hour. i saw blood on my left part of the body and it kinda freaks me off. um. he gave me a one week MC to rest. haiz. gonna miss many lessons. 120705 i just came back from my oral. im feeling very disappointed now. firstly, i dun think i did well for my oral because i was having a fever and my armpit still hurts a little. second, rinna didnt even talk to me. and she just left with sheila after the oral. gone. gone. gone. i was feeling... like im invisible. haiz. tried to catch up with her until my wound opened up and bleed. very painful. tmr i have to go for wound dressing in the morn. haiz. _______________________________________________________________________________ From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Wednesday, July 13, 2005 4:02:22 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com 130705 i went for wound dressing this morning. doc said i can go to sch but i must take care of my armpit. i know. then, i went to sch during recess time. haha. i was very "early". hmm. i came esp for d&t lessons. i dunno. mixed emotions were running in me. actually, i dun really feel like coming to sch because i dun wanna see sheila and cikgu siti's face.. i find it rather irritating. cikgu phoned me twice yesterday because of malay oral. as for sheila, im kinda fed up with her. she may not be bothering me but it's like she is toying with my feelings indirectly from the way she behaves in sch and her sms. i dunno larr.. yea... yesterday, rinna didnt wait for me bcoz she was with her. sheila told rinna i called her. haiz.what she wans?! rinna said she dun care. just continue to be with her. what can i do? haiz. haiz. haiz. aaah! *armpit still hurts* must bear with the pain. _______________________________________________________________________________ From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Thursday, July 14, 2005 5:45:55 PM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com 140705 rinna didnt come to sch. no wonder i feeling like phoning her yesterday night but she was alseep. i wanted to ask her whether i should come to sch today. haha. hmm. anyway i wasnt supposed to come but i cant miss too many lessons. but felt a little regret because i guess i havent recover fully. it was a little painful. haiz. so i didnt go for the chem remedial. played charade during malay class for one period. bad news!! cikgu said she wanna start back her normal malay lessons starting from next week. omg. cant she have a little confidence in our 'o' level results? but i think. i cant get an A. haiz. i dunno lar. im very worried. tmr is malay listening comprehension. must dig my ears so can hear properly! um. this whole week, i guess everyone will be making fun of my armpit. haha. nothing better to do. oh yahh. sheila phoned me yesterday. said that she still like me. felt nervous whenever im around her. omg. aiyah. dun care larr. im mechAsyikin. he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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20050709
11:46
hEy you.. haiz. nothingmuchtoday. well, alotofthingshappenedsofast. haiz. blogforthesakeofblogging. secretlyonline. haiz. dunnolah. notimetoblogeverythingnow. sooniwill.. hopeso.ihavetheurgetocut. someonehelpme. he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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11:44
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Monday, July 04, 2005 11:47:33 AM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com im crying again. i cant forget her words in the phone conversation. it was so harsh that i just couldnt believe it was rinna. she sounds as if everything is my fault. thanks band members. i know its my fault she have cuts on her hands. im also the cause that she failed her amaths paper. she didnt even spare a thought for my feelings. yea. im a blood sucker. i suck her blood. when she said that, i was feeling so hurt. the deep wound she gave me. she wants to give up on me. give up on everything. she dont want my love anymore. she made me promise not to talk or see her again. she wants me to give sheila a chance and be more closer to other people. but why cant she be straightforward and tell me that she dont want me as her godsis anymore? is it a need for all those harsh words? i must have hurt her so badly, didnt i? like how she described.. its like im strangling her and she have difficulty breathing because i hold her by the leash. i brought pain to her. i drag everything. whatever i do seems to be wrong. is it a mistake to ask for a sister's love? even if she doesnt wanna give me, why doesnt she allow me to be concern about her? and which person wouldnt love his or her family? if i hadnt love my family.. esp my mum.. i wouldnt have made a sacrifice to buy her medicines instead of mine. yea. everything is my fault. but what she said in one night.. which no other people had said to me.. really hurts me. im feeling so bloody hurt. and it just have to happen on the same day when my mum got operated. um. i can really feel my heart aching now. hey bloodsucker! why are you crying?! i thought you are heartless? yea. im the main cause of her sadness. me. me. me! this is wat she wrote in her small book. see how hurt she is because of ur words? he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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20050702
02:37
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Saturday, July 02, 2005 2:31:40 AM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com rinna... im sorry about my behaviour during recess today. mixed emotions were running in me. i dont know. whenever i look at the cuts on ur hands and face, it really hurts me. i couldnt bear to face you. remember how angry you were when i did the same thing in the past? im feeling the same way also. sometimes.. i really feel useless. do you know.. many of our friends asked me about you. but i became speechless. some even thought it was my fault. but i dont blame them. see. that goes to show that they care towards you. so why must you keep saying that you dont want other people's love that is given to you? not everyone is lucky like you. and please stop saying that i will never hurt you. rinna. im not a perfect human being too. and sometimes, people could even hurt the one who is dearest to them too. stop blaming yourself over everything. also, i felt bad because i couldnt attend your last concert. everyday, there would be friends asking me to go and support. but i keep rejecting them. when one of them got fed up.. she said "nvm.. she got timothy already.." umm. i felt like hitting myself against the wall. that shows how useless i am again. and.. im also worried about my mum. she havent regain conscious yet and i could only meet her tmr. im really sorry for everything. i know i have hurt you in a way or another. honestly, when you said you have given up on me, i felt.. i know i deserved it. im sorry. forgive me. asyikin... this is the letter which she wants to send u but she didnt........ he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥
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02:35
From : Nur Asyikin Rashid Sent : Saturday, July 02, 2005 2:27:05 AM To : rinna_oi@hotmail.com hey! idah here. what the hell is wrong now huh? ikin has been crying the whole day and even NOW.. look u don't have to hurt her at this period of time right? her mum is in ICU and now she is bloody hurt by u.. by ur words.... i overheard ur conversation.... im sorry.... but what is wrong with u?!? she feels guilty for not turning up for ur concert and she even make u a card.. how deep has she hurt u? u are really so bad..... people blame her when u cut urself... esp ur band members! but she remain quiet... is that a big mistake to u? really.... i am feeling so bloody angry now..... u want to noe rite how she make her mum angry? ikin used her own money to buy her mum's medicine, but not for herself... she wants her mum to recover faster.... is that a mistake to u also? ikin cares a lot about u. a lot. but this is the way u treat her... i am not blaming u but... u are really unreasonable! he ate my heart, then he ate my brain ♥ |